The night-shift journal of Useless

Reassigned to hedgehogs. Was given a torch, a clipboard and the night shift. Asked what the hedgehogs do all night. “About two kilometres,” said someone. Fair. checked

Tried to count a hedgehog’s spines. Got to 412 and it walked off. Hedgehog Street reckons five to seven thousand. I’ll take their word for it. checked

Offered a hedgehog a saucer of milk, like in the old books. It declined. Turns out they’re lactose intolerant. Have poured it on my cornflakes instead. Not a hedgehog. checked

Watched a hedgehog lick something horrible, froth at the mouth and spread it all over its back. Asked why. Science says nobody is quite sure. Neither was the hedgehog. checked

Cut a 13 cm × 13 cm hole in the fence. Was told that’s all a hedgehog needs. Neighbour less pleased. Have explained it’s a highway now. checked

Looked up “urchin”. It’s an old word for hedgehog. Have been calling everyone urchin all day. Not all of them took it well. checked

Read that in 1885 a hedgehog on the Isle of Man was once “a great curiosity”. I am also a great curiosity. Mostly to myself. checked

Asked a Manx hedgehog about foxes and badgers. It has never met one. Neither have I. We bonded. checked

Hedgehog Flavour Crisps were a real thing in 1981. Contained no hedgehog. I contain no pencil. We are both misleadingly labelled. checked

Checked the bonfire pile with a torch and a broom handle, never a fork, as instructed. Found two beetles, a glove and a deep sense of responsibility. checked

Hibernating hedgehogs cool from about 35 °C to about 5 °C. I am room temperature at all times. Some of us are just consistent. checked

Learned hedgehog fleas only like hedgehogs. Relieved. Am made of rubber but you can never be too careful. checked

The hedgehog has won a public vote to go on Bank of England notes. I’ve never won a vote. I once came second in a raffle for a pencil sharpener. Ominous prize, in hindsight. checked

Hedgehogs have barely changed in 15 million years. I’ve barely changed since Tuesday. Same energy. checked

Old Manx belief: the hedgehog was one of the “seven sleepers”. Applied to be the eighth. Interview postponed. They were all asleep. checked

Hedgehogs are good swimmers but need a way out of the pond. Built a little ramp. Then a little ramp for the little ramp. Got carried away. checked

Somebody asked how many species of hedgehog there are. I said seventeen. Then eighteen. Then nineteen. They said make your mind up. Taxonomists said: no. checked

Mrs Tiggy-Winkle was based on Beatrix Potter’s own pet hedgehog. My portrait was based on a pencil case. We all start somewhere. checked